Its been almost a year since my last post. That was never my intention when I started this blog up. The whole point of doing this was to encourage people. To get people thinking about topics and issues. Things that would help them in faith and family life. But the reality is that this past year has been a really tough year on me and my family. Probably the hardest year of my life to be honest.
This year hasn't been without its blessings and happy times but looking back I stopped writing because I lost my inspiration, my passion, my drive to really do anything at all. I had 4 good years working with the youth and leaders in Regina. In that time I learned tons about ministry, about myself, about leadership, and countless other things. But when it came to the end of our time in Regina I failed in one big way.
I knew my time at the church and our time in the city was done because I truly believe that God was calling us to take a step of faith and to go. We didn't know where, or how. But we knew that it wasn't right for us to stay in that position and start another year of ministry while we waited for the next opportunity to come. I truly believe that when God calls you to do something you have to trust Him and do it. And if I hadn't left I would have been in the place of whoever God had raised up to take my place and carry the mission forward.
The way I failed big was that I let myself get discouraged. I got so disheartened and I stopped trusting God to take care of my family. I took all the stress and pressure on myself. When doors looked open I tried to push them open. And when they inevitably shut I looked at myself and my lack as the reason it didn't pan out. I told Sarah countless times that maybe I'm not supposed to do ministry, maybe I'm not supposed to pastor people or to lead ministries. Maybe it was just a time in my life and now I'm supposed to just get a job and make money to pay bills.
I forgot everything God had ever told me about why He created me. What He created me to do. I let the enemy almost take me out. It just felt like blow after blow came bigger and bigger. We had some opportunities that didn't pan out. We had to sell our house, and we thankfully did sell it, but we lost a significant amount of money on it which hurt. We had nowhere to go after that so we thankfully had both our parents offer us their home to live in. And many of you know we went to Edmonton. My parents graciously let us live in their home, helped us out in so many ways. It was a huge blessing being there and spending that time with family. But no one wants to move back home, especially with their wife and son.
Again I looked Internally, I looked at myself and I believed that I was a failure as a husband and a father because I was unable to provide the basic needs of my wife and son. I couldn't get a job anywhere for months. We ended up just working part time for minimum wage to try and cover our bills. And I honestly felt humiliated every day I went to work. Again I started to believe lies about my identity and about who I was and what I was worth.
Through this span of 6 months in Edmonton I had looked into starting school. I found a great program that I can do at my own pace from anywhere in the world with internet. So I have officially started working towards my Bachelor of Theology in Pastoral Ministry. Kind of intimidating but good overall.
Our life and our marriage had been attacked so much since we chose to live by faith and trust God to meet our needs. Its been honestly really challenging at times to stay the course and hold onto the promises we believe. I've been weak, I've been insecure, I've been cold, I've been distant. And none of those things are who I should be, or who I promised to be when Sarah and I got married. Thankfully she picks up my slack when I'm low. Thankfully she has stuck through thick and thin. Thankfully when things get bad we both sit on the bed and pray to God to be our strength. To lead us and guide us.
It got to the place where we just needed to step out and make it on our own. We took the little money we had left over and moved out to Kelowna on March 1st. Believing that God Has something for us here. We don't have jobs yet, but we have faith. And we have strength again as a unit.
I guess all I'm trying to say to whoever reads this is that people have often looked at Sarah and I and thought that we have it all together or that we don't struggle with things. I guess I want you to know that this last year has been really hard. We have struggled, and we have learned that its not about perfection, its not about having it all together, its not about getting everything you want when you want it (cause, does that ever happen?) What I have learned through this whole year is that God cares about faithfulness. If you can be faithful in all the little things and big things in life you will have success and joy.
We are happy, we have nothing. No income, no jobs, not really any decent looking prospects even. But we know that God has a plan for us and that He promised that He would take care of our needs. Its about trusting God with everything you have and with everything you are so that when you are in the lowest of the low, when you have lost your passion, lost your inspiration, when your marriage or family life looks hopeless. You have that strength to fall back on, to trust in, to hold fast to.
Please pray for us, pray that we continue to Hold fast to the promises He has given us. pray that the good doors open, that we follow and walk by faith even when it gets hard, and we will pray for you also. We pray that you find joy in all situations, that you hold onto the promises God has given you. That you will prosper and remain faithful in the big and little things.
If there is anyway we can pray specifically for you and your needs. Or you just want to talk please message us. We genuinely love you and believe that you all have amazing gifts and amazing destinies. We want to be part of the team that sees you walk in the fullness of what God has for you.
Love you all.